Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Death To Fitness Super Secret System For Programmed Fat Loss and Target Tonning Sculpter Routine

This is it. I can't stop smashing fitness in the face with a sledgehammer because I will now be joining the ranks of pop-fitness, money hungry, know nothing trainers. I am going to make bank off of peoples insecurities just like the pro's do. I will probably be one of the celebrity trainers on The Biggest Loser next season after I am finished with this one.

I tried to photoshop myself in there next to Bob just so everyone could get an idea of how he and I will look on the show next to each other but there wasn't enough room for my legs, my face looks too fat next to his, and I can't find any shirtless pictures of me. I'll probably need to completely stop lifting weights, being strong, and training everyday in order to not intimidate the little guy. I'll just start doing... whatever it is he is doing here.

So, my program. It is 100% peer-reviewed research based. Actually, it's only based off of one study. That one study, though, showed an average 2.2lb decrease in pure fat over the course of only 48 hours! Amazing. Repeating my protocol twice a week will allow you to SCORCH 4.4 lbs of unsightly pudge every week! This is it, the key, the magic bullet, the x-factor, the body composition game-changer (hopefully I have thrown in enough B.S. jargon to optimize my search engine presence by now... because honestly, I can't think of anything else... oh wait! SHREDDED!!!!!!).

What do you need to (thought of another one, RIPPED, bro. Pecs!!! Abs forever!!!!) have on hand to perform this program is very, very little. The only piece of equipment you need is a bike and a place to ride it. The intensity of the exercise involved is minimal. 48% of V02 max (or a heart rate around 105bpm for most people). The only small, minuscule catch is the duration restraint and distance of the exercise. You need to ride your bike 621 miles in 48 hours. 48 hours! That's a weekend! No big deal. A small sacrifice to make in the epic battle against fat loss. (SWOLE!!!!).

Ok. I'm done. Please don't do this... if you do, feel free to leave your results and ensuing exercise induced medical condition in the comments section below. Some mad scientist somewhere actually made other people do this. Here is a link to the study, the abstract is hilarious:

Sprint for 1,000 kilometers. Kill yourself. Eat.


  1. Google dropped me at this blog, and it's a great read, so I stuck around. I read more about health these days because I finally grew up enough to give a shit about my health, so I started working out and eating right; whereas before, I was all about the little "weight loss" crack pills they sell my demographic (the 20-something flabby female lonely hearts out there, who think the only problem in their lives in their weight.) at that time.

    But what I'm reading in your blog is just... dead on to what I have realized in the past 6 months. I look shockingly better now, and people ask me how I did it... and then their eyes get filled with disappointment when I tell them how I put time in at the gym, dedicated myself to not eating shit and deliberately shifted my attitude to lower my own stress levels. It's a lifestyle, not a look.

    So um, good read, the external links are really informative. All my frustrations with the fads being sold to fat people stop at this blog, where I see there can still be sanity in "fitness." That's all.

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